Back in 2004 I KNOW I had PPD (post-partum depression) after I had Makenna. I was never diagnosed because I never told my doctor what I was going through. I just figured I was acting the way I was acting because I was a 19-year-old young single new mom. I didn’t want to believe I had PPD. Who wants to admit that? Not me.
I eventually got through it but thankfully I was living with my parents at the time so I know they were a huge help.
During this pregnancy my husband John & I talked about the possibility of me getting PPD again, but we figured it wouldn’t probably happen since I’m not single, I have him. How freakin’ naive were we! Lol. The first week of Kendall being home I was perfectly fine but come week 2 everything set in and I was falling apart. Thank God I haven’t had thoughts of hurting Kendall or myself or anything like that but I have had a serious attitude. I’ve been taking a lot of my frustration out on Makenna and although in the moment I don’t think about it, afterward I feel really bad. I’ve been crying 24/7 and at times I do have to put Kendall down and just walk away while she cries.
Yes, my husband is there but last week he pretty much had all opening shifts so I was up with Kendall pretty much every night, & then having to get up in the morning to instantly pump, change Kendall, feed Kendall, feed Makenna then try to get something for myself to eat… all on 0 sleep. It really took a toll on me and then I began to take it out on John by the end of the week.
I’ve lost interest in pretty much everything. I’m barely online anymore so no Twitter and no blogging. I have so many reviews/giveaways that I’m behind on. Now it’s even gone as far as not even caring about pumping 🙁 Yesterday I pumped at 9 am and then by 10 pm I realized I didn’t pump all day since the am! I still got 8oz per side (& I have a huge stash in the fridge & freezer) but still, I should be at least pumping but nope, I just forget to do anything. The house has pretty much fallen apart except for what my husband can do when he gets home from work.
I just don’t know.
I saw my doctor earlier this week and she put me on Zoloft. She started me on only 50mg which I heard is really low.
It’s been 3 days now and so far I do think it’s helped a little. I know it doesn’t INSTANTLY fix anything, but I’m feeling a little better. I’ve been able to deal with Makenna a lot better. I’ve been yelling less and when Kendall cries, although it still gets to me, I’ve been able to deal a little better.
I hate medicine, seriously HATE it. I couldn’t even take my prenatal my whole pregnancy because I hate swallowing pills but also, I just forget to take things. Also, I just don’t want to become addicted to a medicine like Zoloft. I don’t have an addicting personality at all so I think I’ll be fine but at this point I don’t know what else to do. I want to be there for my girls, I want to be a happy mommy and a good wife and I don’t think I can do that without help right now.